false labor

well it happened to me, every woman's nightmare, going to the hospital thinking you are in labor and then being sent home. Really it is just the perfect "almost ending" for a really piss you off kind of pregnancy (excuse the language but I am soooo freakin grumpy). Well I have been having tons of contraction all week, at my appointment on Tues I was dilated to an almost three and 80% effaced, but I really knew that all the contractions weren't real. However, at about 2 o'clock this afternoon I started to just feel not good, kind of sick but just not right and then boom contractions every three minutes, you could have set your clock by it. So after about 40 min I think to myself these aren't hurting terribly bad, but I just don't think you can ignore contractions three min apart, plus I was having lots of pressure down "there". So I call my doc and give the nurse all the details, so she says I better go in to the hospital. So I call my husband and he heads home, it was of course right the time that I needed to get my kids from school but my mother in law said she could grab them on her way over so all I needed to do was wait for everyone and try to get my three year old to stop screaming at me. So my husband gets home and we sit and wait for my mother in law, and wait some more. My husband is getting anxious cause he has the number one fear of all husbands of pregnant women, not that the baby will have problems, or that his wife is going to be hurt (all though those are huge fears of all husbands), but the fear that he will have to deliver the baby himself. I tried to tell him to calm down cause all though my contractions were still coming 3 min apart they weren't hurting nearly bad enough to get a baby out. I just kept saying "hon, I am not yelling, screaming, crying, or moaning we have a while to go before she comes out". Besides I told him I knew they would take a while to get home cause as I have posted about in the past our eight year old is notoriously slow. To which he said "if I have to deliver this baby cause she is slow then she is so off my list of favorite kids". So anyway they eventually get there and off the kids go happily to Grandma's house and off we go anxiously to the hospital. Now at this point my husband asks if I am nervous and I honestly reply that I am not, cause I really don't know if this is real labor. Now you would think that by my fourth kid I would know when I am in labor, but you see previous to today I have been one of those really lucky women whose water has broken before I went into labor. When your water breaks you just know it is going to happen it is great, they can't send you home. All though with my first they did try to send me home. You see my water broke as I was walking to the hospital with a big gush, really it was just like the movies. It felt like I had just broken a water balloon between my legs. So we went to the hospital and the nurse that checks you in just didn't believe that my water had broken cause apparently right after it did my daughter jammed her big head into the birth canal so that no more water leaked out. It took me quited a while to convince the nurse that yes my water did break and no I didn't just pee my pants. Really she checked me with an ultrasound machine and didn't believe me then had to use some of that ph paper which I guess was the last one in the box and old so didn't work but I refused to go home so she opens a new box and checks again and said "oh ya your water did break", stupid nurse. So anyway having your water break on its own is nice and because it has happened before I just don't know what it is like to go into labor the good old fashioned contraction way. So we get to the hospital, get all checked in and get wheeled up to the maternity floor and into the room where they check you to see if you are really in labor or if you are so desperate to get that baby out that you are faking it hoping you can trick them into inducing you. Then we just sit there and wait for about half an hour. I really didn't mind waiting cause my contractions weren't hurting to bad and I don't know anyone who is super excited about putting on one of those lovely hospital gowns. So about a half hour later the nurse comes in and her first question is "do you feel like you need to push" which seems like the dumbest question in the world to me. I can guarantee if I had been needing to push for that last half hour I so would not have been sitting quietly in the intake room. Then it made me wonder if there are women out there who are so tough that they can sit there quietly while they dilate all the way to ten waiting patiently for someone to find the time to come see them, if there are women like that I don't want to hear about it! So I say no, change into my stylish gown and get hooked up to the monitor. At this point what do you think happened, if you guessed that my contractions went cold turkey on me you are right. They pretty much stopped. I went from every three min to two in twenty min. I don't think I have ever been more angry at my uterus, and let me tell you have spent a lot of time angry at my uterus lately. So after twenty min she tells me to get up to walk around for an hour. So we walk and immediately I have a big old contraction then they keep coming every three min again, and better yet they start to hurt, not super painful but enough to remind me why women love epidurals. Then I meet my doctor, you see when you "go into labor" on memorial day weekend the chances of having your actual doctor deliver you are very small, you are probably going to get the on call doctor. Which my docs office has started to share their call rotation with another office so not only do I not get my doc, but I get a doc I have never even laid eyes on. However, I didn't really care cause he said two wonderful things to me, one that he doesn't care when I get an epidural, and two that if I can just get to four centimeters he would do whatever was needed to get things moving along. So I immediately fell in love with him and wondered how I had lived my life so far without him. My contractions were coming pretty regular and getting harder so I thought no prob, I can get to a four. So after an hour of walking and walking I was getting tired and it was time to be checked again, so what do you suppose happens the min they put the monitors on, that is right nothing happened, all of a sudden my contractions are 7 min apart and don't hurt and while I was now totally effaced I was still only at a three. I was tired and so mad and felt like a stupid idiot for coming into the hospital with false labor. The nurse was really nice and kept telling me that it could be pre labor and that I would be back the next day but really there is nothing you can say to a woman in this situation. My poor husband was just really quiet and looked kind of afraid of me at this point. As we were walking out of the hospital I had my hardest contraction yet. I just thought "how come I am having pain and walking away from the hospital". So I came home and got into bed at 8 and now I am up at midnight venting my heart out in a blog. Oh and another annoying part of all this was that we missed a church activity tonight that I was of course in charge of and now I am going to have to go to church on Sunday and deal with all the "I thought you had your baby", "what are you doing here", "that is a good way to get out of your church responsibility" and so on. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am so annoyed! I have really always felt so bad for all those women out there who deal with the get sent home from the hospital thing, and now that I have joined your ranks I feel really bad for myself!

you know you are DONE when...

So I was reading one of the many pregnancy advice books out there
and there was a section talking about the signs that labor could be soon.
Like contractions are so far apart, you have lost your plug, etc. So I
started thinking about the real signs for us women that are sooooo ready to be
done with it all. So here goes

You know you are done with pregnancy when

10. You cry every day, but for different reasons each time.
The other week I really did cry every day. These are some of the reasons I cried.
Once cause I was so flippin tired I just couldn't help it. One
day I was reading a magazine about delivery and there was a part that said
when the baby is born she will cry because she is cold and not used to the
bright lights. I started crying my eyes out cause it made me so sad to think that my baby
would be cold. One day I cried because I was absolutely convinced that no one, not even my husband would lift a finger to help when the baby was born (which I know isn't true but that day I was sure of it). One day I cried cause I was sure that I hated my husband so much and then ten minutes later I was crying cause I love him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. Then of course there was the day I looked through my other three kids scrap books, I for
sure cried my eyes out that day.

9. You are convinced that you really would sleep more once the baby was out of you and waking you up every three hours cause right now either your bladder or you pinched nerve in your arm is waking you up every hour and a half.

8. You can't tell people you were tossing and turning after a bad night sleep, instead you have to say "I was slowly and painfully shifting and rolling all night".

7. You feel so much pressure "down there" that you are convinced the baby is just trying to fall out of you.

6. You find yourself walking through Walmart giving your uterus a pep talk that if your water would just break you could be done with this, you are wondering if you focus hard enough on your water breaking if it will happen, mind over matter and all (I really did do this and unfortunately it turns out that I don't have any special mind powers where my uterus is concerned).

5. While you are at Walmart and you walk past the optometry department you wonder if you offered enough money if the optometrist would break your water.

4. When the optometrist says no you find yourself in the craft section looking at crochet hooks wondering if you could break your water yourself (I had my water broken with my last baby and that is really what they use, a big long plastic crochet hook and a rubber glove).

3. You find yourself avoiding all social functions because you just don't want to hear IT any more. By IT (I am definitely not referring to Bill Clinton's definition of the word) I mean "wow you have gotten big all of a sudden" (I really am measuring big now but do you think I want to hear it), "how much longer", "you know it is easier to take care of them now then when they come out" (have any of you ever known a woman who after she had her baby said "gee I wish this baby was still inside of me"), and my most hated comment "you look so cute" even if you think it I disagree completely and I DON'T want to hear it, any of it!

2. Your maternity clothes that when you hold them up look big enough to hold a three ring circus don't fit when you try to put them on.

1. And finally, you know you are done when you wish the mild contractions you are having every day would start to hurt. I mean really who wants to have something hurt them, but I find that all these mild contractions annoy the heck out of me. I just want to scream "EITHER START HURTING AND GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME OR JUST GO AWAY AND STOP TEASING ME". Last month I was reading a book about labor just so I could brush up on all the awful things that were going to happen to me, and after reading the chapter and remembering it all I felt kind of sick and had no desire to do any of it. Now however I am sooooo looking forward to it and welcoming it with open arms. I swear I will gladly go through it all just so I can get this baby out of me and see my toes again.

So there is my list, if any of you can think of any I have forgotten please post it in the comments after so I know what else to watch for.

it is 4:50 am and all is NOT well

I am really tired, but here I am writing a blog. Is it because I am so devoted to blogging and getting the real life experiences of a crazy pregnant woman out there for the world to see? No, it is because of my stupid nerves, and when I say nerves I am not referring to the stage fright kind, I mean come on what pregnant woman is afraid to sleep. Next to toaster waffles sleep is my best friend. No I can't sleep due to those little nerve endings found throughout the body. Well apparently there are a lot of these nerve endings in the armpits and the nerves in my right armpit have decided to take exception to having the life squeezed out of them by swollen lymph nodes, increased blood flow through the blood vessels and the increased size of other parts of my body if you get my drift. So this is how pretty much every night goes. I go to bed around nine because I am super tired, then about two hours later I wake up for the first bathroom trip and and this point my arm is usually numb, not asleep and pins and needley, but numb. So I get back in bed, prop my pillow under my arm and go back to sleep. Around two I usually wake up for my next bathroom trip and my arm has moved on to a dull pain which is usually alleviated by walking around a bit and getting a drink. Then four o'clock comes and the misery starts. This is when I am woken up not by my bladder but by the burning pain felt all throughout my right arm. So I try the usual go to the bathroom, get a drink. When I get back in bed and lay on my side, apparently laying on the side puts all the wrong pressure on the nerves, and boom the pain is back immediately. So I try propping my assortment of pillows around me in different configurations, sticking my arm straight above my head, hanging my arm off of the side of the bed. I have even thought of trying to hang something from the ceiling that would hold my arm up in the air, kind of like when a broken leg is in traction. Nothing works! So I bawled my head off about it to my doctor the other day cause I am sooooo tired! She referred me to a physical therapist saying they might have some exercises I can do to make it feel better, but as much as I complain I think I will just tough it out. Seeing a physical therapist means making an appointment and organizing baby sitting, so in other words it means making an effort which I am so not good at right now. Plus the good news of the whole appt is that they are going to induce me a week early since I have gigantor babies so now instead of having 3 weeks and a couple of days left I have 2 weeks and a couple of days left. That seems a lot more doable on no sleep. I do find that I am looking forward to having the baby cause I really think I will sleep better. I also think I need to start taking naps whenever I get a chance whether it is 9:30 AM or 5:00 PM. I mean I am having a baby I should just say goodbye now to a normal sleep schedule, and that is why I am blogging at 5 AM.

could i get away with...

The other day I was at Walmart and after I checked out I ran my credit card and sat and waited for it to process. I looked at the little screen and it said "give card to cashier to check signature" so pretty standard procedure every couple of visits or so. So I went to reach for my card when the cashier just pushed the button gave me my receipt and said have a nice day. So I figured he just didn't feel like taking the time to check. So I went on my merry way limping out of the store, oh did I mention I pretty much walk with this combination limp shuffle or liffle now. You see nobody warned me when I was dating and deciding who to marry that I should pay attention to the head size of the guy I wanted to be with. You see we Davis's all have HUGE heads. Really in high school and college a lot of girls would be all flirtatious and take a boys hat and wear it around, well I could never do that cause my head was so big. Most guys hats just kind of rest on the top of my head, kind of like a beanie. So when I started dating my husband and amazingly his hats fit my head my mom should have warned me right away not to marry him because I would have very large baby heads to cart around inside of me and to attempt to push out of my body. So anyway this large headed baby of mine was causing me to do my liffle out of Walmart when I set off the security beeper as I walked out the door. So I stopped and realized immediately that it was the baby monitor I had just bought. I turned around and looked at the greeter to explain, she took one look at me and said "go ahead, don't worry about it". So I turned around and left. As I was liffling out to my car I realized I was getting some extra special treatment because I am sooooooo pregnant. I mean I had a full cart of bags, I could have stolen an I Pod, some drugs, a small tv, and lots and lots of cookies, but because I was pregnant somehow I am more trustworthy and less likely to steal stuff. Maybe they figure I am so slow I could never get away. So as I was driving home it hit me, what am I thinking telling people I am fine when they ask when really I want to scream. I have given up my body for 9 months, I should be taking advantage of any and all "fringe benefits" I can get. I thought I should speed everywhere I go and take all traffic laws as suggestions. If I get pulled over I can just say sorry I wasn't paying attention cause I was having a contraction. Or I could steal whatever I want and if I do get caught, which apparently isn't likely to happen, I could just play dumb and say I didn't realize I hadn't paid for it cause I am so busy thinking of this baby that is about to come out of me, or if all else failed I could just start crying. I find that there are few people who are immune to a woman who is pregnant and crying, it is like a combination knock out punch. Then I really got to thinking. You see my little sister is also pregnant right now, she is about 6 weeks behind me. Anyway she is about 5 feet tall and is super cute, young looking, and has huge blue eyes. I think she got pulled over about 150 times in high school and would just well up some tears in those big blue eyes and she NEVER got a ticket! So anyway I think the two of us could team up and knock off some banks and jewelry stores. Think about it who would suspect two pregnant women, one of whom is really little and cute (obviously my sister) and the other who walks with a liffle and is HUGE (obviously me) knocking off a bank in a white minivan. For added measure we could bring along my darling three year old daughter to distract the security guards while my sister and I collect the money then we could speed off into the sunset where if we got pulled over we could just pretend that we were both in labor. It is a fool proof plan!