As I was at the doctor's office yesterday trying to pee in a little cup, and trying is the important word here, I had a vision of a doctors office staff meeting and this is how it went.
evil doctor- "okay everyone lets start the meeting, what was on last months agenda"
neurotic receptionist- "let's see (looks at notes) oh ya the same thing that is on every agenda, what can we do to make these visits even worse for a pregnant woman."
evil doctor- "that's right, now everyone needs to do their part. Reception what efforts are you making?"
neurotic receptionist- "We make sure to have them stand and wait at our clear glass window while we laugh with each other for about two minutes before we open it and check them in, and then we make sure the only magazines in the waiting room are trashy, boring, and out of date."
evil doctor- "Good, nursing what are you doing?"
sadistic nurse- "(with an evil laugh) We have soooo much fun. First we make them wait at least 15 minutes before we call them in, then we set all the scales 5 pounds heavier than they really are, then we make sure to walk through all the hallways really fast so they have to hurry to keep up with us which they can't do cause they are big fat pregnant ladies (another evil laugh). Oh and when we weigh them we make sure to not say a thing but to LOOK really judgemental as we write the number down."
evil doctor- "all that is really good, but lets try to think of more. Ultrasound, what are you doing"
ultrasound technician- "we tell them they have to get here with a full bladder then we make them wait 30 minutes for their appt, then we push really hard on their bladders during the exam. Oh and you know how everyone says a pregnant woman shouldn't be on her back, and we all know how uncomfortable that is for her, well we make her lay on her back the whole time!"
(high fives are given throughout the room)
evil doctor- "good keep up the good work. Lab how are your efforts going?"
lab worker- "well we just put in an order for even smaller cups to collect urine samples with so those last 6 visits where she can't even see down there will be nearly impossible, oh and we put really fat markers in the bathroom and have told her to write even more information on the small cup with it like her name, b-day, pet's names and shoe size."
sadistic nurse- "oh make her write her weight on there too, she will get really depressed at that."
lab worker- "good idea"
evil doctor- "okay, from the doctor side our efforts are of course to make her wait in the exam room for at least 15 min with nothing to look at but posters of how she will look when she is 10cm dilated, then when we listen to the heart beat we will put way too much of the goo on her belly, oh and we will make sure it is cold, then we won't wipe it all off. Oh and at the end of pregnancy we will get her hopes up in the last two weeks by saying "any day now" when really we know she will go over due. So lets all have a great month of torturing these women, and remember if you can think of any reason at all to make them come in for an extra visit go for it!"
So that was my vision, really though I do love my doctor, she is great and most everyone in the office is really nice. But I hate peeing in that cup and stepping on that scale so it gets me in a bad imaginative mood. Anyway whoever said pregnant woman were rational (has anyone ever said that) was dead wrong!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
karen, that is soooo funny and so true (especially the part about the receptionists!). also add that the receptionists will make you fill out several forms of the same information, just because they know it will annoy you.
as for the nursing stuff, you've given me good tips if i ever become a ob/gyn nurse!:)
Ya you are right on the nose about the goo! They never wipe it all off!!
I was like crying at my desk reading this. you are too funny!!
I had to read this post out loud to my whole office because they kept asking me why I couldn't stop chuckling. They loved it. The whole little scenario is fantastic. You really are so very clever and funny.
LOL Karen, I think blogging is a good outlet for you and your girlfriends!! You are too funny, who knew you had such an imagination?! Even if you do have a great Dr it is all true!! Hang in there.
greatest...post...EVER! (I'm Meredith's friend who so kindly pointed me to your funny blog a while back)
Karen you are brilliant! YOu need to be a writer... at least write funny stories for you family:) WE would all love them! and I think i am going to post this on my blog so all my friends can get a good laugh and see how funny and witty my sister is:)
oh and from my past quasi pregnancies all the information is true!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Its sooooo true! Amen, amen, amen. (I'm Meridith's friend too) Can we be pregnant at the same time next time around so I can listen to all your funny pregnancy opinions? lol.
Post a Comment