My Favorite Dress

Yesterday as I was getting ready for church I decided that I should wear my favorite dress since it might be the last time I will be able to get into it. As we all know I have been out of my skinny pants and into my fat pants for quite a while now, but so far I have still been able to wear most of my dresses and skirts. So I get out my dress which is strapless, so I wear a sweater over it, it is fitted over the bodice and to the waist then flairs out and ends at my knees. It is all held up by a side zipper. So anyway I put it on and start zipping it, when I got to the small waist part it was rather tight than usual, so definite proof that this baby is getting bigger and expanding its womb up into my waist area. But I found that if I just sucked it in a little (which is a trick all women know how to do, I think it is instinct) it zipped up just fine and didn't feel that tight. So off to church where I sit and peacefully enjoy the meeting. My husband wasn't there because of other church responsibilities but my kids were all being really good so I was able to sit and quietly listen to the speaker thinking that life was pretty good. Then, due to this awful head cold I have had lately, I sneezed a big huge sneeze. At which point I heard a pop and all of a sudden my dress wasn't so tight around on my waist anymore. "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap" that is what was going through my head as I reached over to where I would normally have felt a tightly closed side zipper, instead I felt a gaping hole "oh crap, oh crap, oh crap" what do I do, my zipper split and is splitting more buy the minute. Maybe if I stop breathing it won't split any more, okay that will only work for about 60 sec. My husband wasn't there and the meeting was almost over. So I pulled my sweater down and waited it out. After the prayer I quickly dropped my kids of at their primary classes while holding my dress together, by now you could see about two inches of control top pantie hose, jumped in the car and ran home to change clothes and get back to church for the rest of the classes.
As I was driving I thought "this does not happen to me, this happens to girls in fictional stories, or tv sitcoms". Then I started thinking back on my life to the time in third grade that I bent over, while at school, and my pants split up the middle. Or the time in fifth grade that I had the end of my pen in my mouth and it exploded all over my face, also while I was at school. Or the time when I was fourteen and I was running late to a church activity so I ran into my room, not bothering to turn on the light and grabbed my loafers out of the closet (yes it was the 90's and people wore loafers). When I was in the car I realized that I had grabbed one brown loafer and one black loafer. So anyway I figured no one will look at my feet anyway and it was an activity where bare feet were not an option. Things were going just fine until I was standing with a group of friends and completely lost my balance (seriously just standing there) and fell over, at which point one of the boys said "hey are you wearing two different shoes. Then there was the time I was sixteen, I got to first period and opened up my backpack to get my geometry book and what did I see, A DEAD MOUSE, I had briefly wondered why my cat was acting all funny around my backpack that morning. That one really freaked me out but I had to act like nothing was wrong while I asked my teacher if I could please go use the restroom. I am sure I was bright red and he probably thought I had just started my period because he gave me permission rather quickly. Then there was the time just a few years ago that I was walking outside minding my own business when a bird pooped right on my head, that was really disgusting. So after remembering all this I decided that I am either really clumsy, really cursed or both. I did decide for sure that I should not leave my house anymore. So start calling me a hermit and plan on traveling to Montana if you ever want to see me again.